Adopt a Terrorist

A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian
government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System
facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.
She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by
Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in
Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions
were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to
learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are
creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense,
to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or
L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in
your letter of complaint!

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended
in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent,
we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his
‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in
hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your
next yoga group.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or
relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but
we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a
wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so
you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion)
this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or
your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman
form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his
sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the
new dress code that he will “recommend” as more appropriate attire.
I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his
culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern.
We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the
proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we’ll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.


Gordon O’Connor

Minister of National Defense

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