Noah and the Ark (in America)

Noah in America

In the year 2010 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans; thy sons and their wives.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”

“I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls — but that didn’t work.”

“When I started gathering the animals an animal rights group sued me. They claimed I was confining wild animals against their will, the accommodations are too restrictive and it would be cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I now need 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.”

“The EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as hazardous to the environment.”

“I’m still negotiating with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I need to hire for my building crew.”

“Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people applying for work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is unauthorized for private structures less than 5 cubits.”

“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons and insist I hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.”

“The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”